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QUESTION: As a person who is interested in using your ideas, let me ask, "Are you saying that if I use the HOMEWORK SOLUTION and implement THE BRAINSAREFUN READING PROGRAM, my child will have more success at school, get better grades and read better?" Is that what you are saying?
ANSWER: That's right.
Your ideas in HOMEWORK SOLUTIONS sound so good. I think I'd like to write a contract that will help my children keep their rooms clean and take care of other chores.
The contracts I discuss are not about completing chores, they are about the three fundamental behaviors of success: starting on time, staying on task, completing assignments. I believe children should not earn money for picking up their rooms and other basic chores. These need to be done because everyone is part of the family, part of the team. The opportunity to earn is critical, but for academic behaviors, and academic behaviors only. And for gosh sakes, discontinue all allowances immediately. Allowances are from the devil.
But academics aren't the only thing in the world. My child needs to improve her manners. She needs to help around the house. She needs to pick up her room. She needs to help me with the shopping. She needs to show more maturity and responsibility.
I'm sure that all of this is true. However, when everything is thrown into the kitchen sink, the program runs the risk of becoming so complex and top-heavy that parents are simply no longer able to keep track of everything that needs tracking.
In order for a contract to work, it must be simple. It must fundamentally answer three questions. Did the child start on time? If so, he earned the points agreed upon in the contract. Did the child stay on task? If so, he earned the points agreed upon in the contract. Did the child complete the assignment? If so, he earned the points agreed upon in the contract. assignments.
Time and time again parents have observed that when their children begin to experience success in one area, behavior begins to improve in other areas too. Since brainsarefun focuses on academic achievement, I am going to keep the spotlight exactly where it belongs -- on academic achievement and success only.
So what are you saying? Give up on chores and keeping their rooms clean?
Did I say that? No. You are allowed to have very high expectations for other behaviors. However, they aren't included in the contract and children can't earn points and rewards. "In this home everyone is expected to pitch in and help. No one is paid for what needs to be done. As a member of the team, it's expected."
Like I tell my children, "I don't get paid for chores. It annoys me to see you getting paid for doing something I have to do for free."
So, what do I do when he won't pick up his room?
I wish I had all the answers, but I don't. With my own children I simply let them know what's expected. Chores are not options. But as far as earning points is concerned, "academic performance only."
If they don't do their chores I take away their television and video privileges.
Keep in mind, if they have lived up to their contract and earned their points, then you must not threaten to take away what they have earned. That is one of the most common ways parents undermine the effectiveness of the contract. When they earn it, they've got it. When they choose not to earn, they're broke. This is one of the major lessons you are teaching.
I also really hate the way my child dresses. Will this system help him dress more neatly?
Let's start back at the beginning. There are many things parents don't like about their children's behavior. They don't like the way their children dress. They don't like their messy rooms. They don't like the way their child won't help around the house.
Donaldson Learning isn't designed to solve all problems. "Contracts" are designed to focus on success with homework that leads to success at school. This is what parents really say they want, and it's one area in which contracts really help. With this said, it is true that success in one area often translates to success in other areas.
It's important that we choose our battles and stop undermining the system by trying to solve all problems immediately. It has taken years to get into this situation. It's going to take a little patience to dig out.
What are the common ways parents undermine the program?
1) Agreeing to pay-off points and then neglecting to pay off as agreed.
2) Giving your children free money.
3) Loaning money.
4) Giving your children rewards that haven't been earned.
5) Criticizing.
6) Failing to negotiate good contracts and failing to live up to your part of the contract.
7) Being inconsistent. For instance, paying one day and not the next.
8) Rewarding your children when they are off task.
What's the biggest key to the success of the program?
"Consistency" on the part of the adult. When the adult is consistent the child soon learns the rules, and most children thrive under structure, clear expectations and well-defined rewards.
One thing that bothers me is your emphasis on eliminating criticism. How are children supposed to learn if we don't tell them what's right.
Oh, children do learn from criticism. But they don't usually learn what you want them to learn. What they tend to learn is that they're stupid. They learn to be embarrassed. They learn shame. They learn that continuing their education isn't for them. They learn how to manipulate their parents and to do as little work as possible. They learn that if they whine enough, parents will often give in. These are not the goals we have for our children.
The fact is, if criticism worked, if nagging worked, if yelling worked, most of us would have perfect homes. Criticism just doesn't work.
This doesn't mean that we shouldn't instruct our children about right behavior, but we can do it without criticizing.
Then how do we correct them?
I'll tell you, if it's a safety issue you grab them by the back of the neck and yell like crazy. Safety always requires immediate and firm intervention. However, most issues are not this critical.
Correction is never as effective as "self-correction." That is why I emphasize so much repetitive phrasing and copying, both in math and reading. In addition, I am always looking for ways for my children to win.
For example, when my son asks me how to spell a word I don't tell him to look it up and abandon him to his frustration. Without saying a word I write down the correct spelling on a piece of paper and hand it to him so he can see the correct spelling. This allows him to stay on task. Then I go the dictionary, look up the word, highlight the word and definition with a yellow marker and show it to him. The rest is up to him.
I never have to say a word.
So, doesn't he just keep asking and asking until you've done all his work for him.
Good question, because this is exactly one of the things we're trying to avoid, and it's why so many tutoring programs are ineffective. Our kids tend to be so smart that when given half a chance they manipulate adults to do their work for them. Their eyes fill up with tears and we rush in to save them.
The goal is to not get bogged down in arguments, disagreements and distractions. The goal is to help the child choose right behavior and stop making excuses.
Hand them the answer. Don't allow not having the answer to be just one more excuse why they can't stay on task. Throw the ball right back where it belongs, in their lap. "You say you've got a problem you can't solve? Well, here's the answer. Now, back on task and earn those points." Keep forcing them into situations where they can continue to win.
But they always seem to have an excuse why they can't do it.
Let's be honest. This isn't a problem that only plagues young people. I know plenty of adults who always have a good reason why they're off task. Human beings seem to have more excuses than can be counted. Answer one and they have another. Good enough reason to hand them the answer and then learn to keep your mouth shut. Good managers do exactly the same thing. Believe it or not, it forces them to think without being able to fall back on the excuse that no on ever cares about their problem.
Remember, the goal is to provide them with experiences at which they can succeed and to rebuild trust. This is far more important than how much math they learn. If your child is in the top 20%, no problem. You can approach school in almost any way you'd like and your child will continue to succeed. However, if your child isn't in the top 20% it is very important to stop rewarding him for poor choices.
I'm sure your children have problems. Who doesn't? But having problems is not an excuse for choosing poor behavior.
Rewarding him for poor choices? How do we do that?
Children who aren't experiencing enough success will get their rewards any way they can. They will hide their academic deficiencies in many cleaver ways.
If children can make their parents jump through hoops, that's often a great reward. If children can make their parents yell and scream that's often the best reward of all. Anything that will allow the child to get way off task and onto all sorts of other issues can be a very deceptive way of blaming the parent, unloading personal responsibility and continuing down the same old road.
You are simply not going to be able to change your child's behavior and success/failure ratio by doing more of the same. If it were effective, it would have already worked. Parents are going to have to change if they want children to change. The quickest change? Get a contract in place and live up to it.
Don't I want to give them a "negative reward" for incorrect behavior?
The most negative reward you can give your child is to shut your mouth and leave the room. This sends a very clear message.
The very second you engage the child you run the risk of providing a positive reward. "Wow! Look how red in the face I can make Dad."
Don't be in the business of providing negative rewards for bad behavior. Be in the business of providing positive rewards for good behavior. Remember, the behavior that is rewarded is the behavior that will be repeated. Parents always know this when the child is first learning to speak or walk. Remember how everyone went nuts when little Billy took his first step or said his first word? We didn't keep correcting him every time he fell down and went "Boom!" We kept praising him every time he'd stay up. What I'm getting at is the exact same principle.
So, what's the best way to get started?
"Son/Daughter, you know how important I think it is for you to continue your schooling, get a good education and graduate from high school. It's so important that from now on I'd like you to be able to earn money for doing your homework. How does that sound to you?"
I have asked hundreds of children, from age 5 through age 22, this question. Almost without fail they smile and think it sounds like a good idea.
"Let's sit down and negotiate exactly how much money you should be able to earn. When would be a good time?"
O.K., but what happens if they aren't motivated by money?
There are times when it's necessary to resort to a One-Way Contract. When this is necessary you are going to have to draw up a clear contract, present it to your child and simply tell him or her that from now on this is the way it's going to be.
Then you are going to have to do the hard part. You are going to have to stop criticizing and be consistent. No money for anything other than academic performance. Dry up all other sources of rewards. No part-time jobs. The rest is up to your child. Either she chooses to earn, or she doesn't. It has been my experience that when a child isn't motivated by money it's because she already has everything she needs. When all these benefits start to dry up I find that reluctant children suddenly become quite motivated by cash.
He's used to getting an allowance for doing nothing. Isn't he going to get angry for having to earn it for doing homework?
Children get angry all the time. They key is for you not to get angry in return. "This is the way it's going to be. I'll be glad to talk to you about it at any time." Turn your back, keep your mouth shut and leave the room.
How much money should she be able to earn for doing homework?
How much money do your children need? What expenses do they have? Are they required to buy their school lunch? Are they required to pay rent or to pay for the food they eat at home? Are they required to buy their own clothes? All of these are good ideas. You decide.
A child, beginning in Kindergarten, should start to learn the value of money, how it's earned, how it's managed. They should be able to earn a little more every week than they are required to spend on necessities. A Kindergartner might be able to earn a quarter a day. A sixth-grader, maybe a couple of dollars. A high-schooler, perhaps five to ten dollars. Take a realistic look at the child's expenses and all the rewards the child is getting for free today. Put an end to all those free rewards and establish a system that allows the child to earn. Write it all down in the contract.
What does the contract clearly spell out? What expenses does the student have that he or she is required to cover?
Do you require the child to save any of the money that's earned?
I leave that up to the child. Remember that the goal is to allow the child as much responsibility as you possibly can. Let them learn the hard way what it means to be broke. Better now while they're young.
But isn't it important that they save?
Great idea, if they'll do it, but you have to be careful not to create one more area over which to hassle and express criticism. They earned it. Let them spend it on all the stuff you'd never buy for them. Put the power into their hands, and get out of the way. Tell them that they may spend the money in any way they believe appropriate as long as it's not illegal, immoral or in violation of your family's values ( I certainly don't believe that because a child earned it, he is permitted to buy one of the foul music CDs that glut the market today).
I do believe in starting a savings program early. If you want, make it part of the contract that for every specific amount earned you will contribute a specific amount to long-term savings. Also, any money they may receive from part-time jobs or gifts should go into long-term savings. These are accounts over which you retain control and that should not be drawn down to purchase butter. Ideally they would be kept in tact until the child turns 60 years old.
Butter?
There are two primary expenses: guns or butter. There must be a savings account that simply can't be violated unless there's a critical emergency (the Goths are invading your home, and you need to purchase guns for defense). Teach your children to keep contributing to this account, to keep their savings intact until they are 60 years old. Show them how much money they'll have by contributing regularly to savings for 50 years. Ask them, "How would you like to be rich?" Show them how to do it. Teach them the miracle of compound interest.
If they are allowed to keep drawing down their savings every time they want butter on their toast, or a new bauble, or a new car, they will end up like most people -- broke.
What about savings for a car or college?
Start another savings account for short-term purchases that will be drawn down in a relatively short period of time.
What about loaning money?
I hate it. I am a parent, not a banker or a collector of bad debts. When they have it they can spend it. I understand, "I am mean," "I am unfair." I also understand that I don't want to teach my children that it's O.K. to go into debt.
I may sound a little dense. But tell me one-more-time what the goal of this program is?
The brainsarefun program has many goals, but right at the top of the list is to help children learn that they can have anything they want, as long as they earn it.
And how can they earn it? Academic performance and academic performance only: starting their homework on time; staying on task until their homework is done; turning in their homework. When they live up to the terms of their contract they earn points. These points may be cashed in for a wide variety of rewards that are also clearly spelled out in the contract.
Another goal is to help your children realize they are in control. They can succeed academically. How do they succeed? Once more: by starting on time; staying on task; completing assignments.
Am I allowed to help with homework?
Yes. When your child doesn't know how to do something, he or she must be shown. They often haven't been shown how in school.
All right. Now, let's suppose we have a contract all drawn up, rewards spelled out, and my child still chooses not to do his homework. What then?
When your children choose to start late, go off task, fail to complete their assignments, you have got to learn to shut your mouth, turn your back and walk out of the room.
You can always remind them, "It's time for homework. Don't forget to earn your points by starting on time." After that it's up to them. If they choose not to earn their points, they are broke. In extreme cases, when they are broke they can't even afford to eat. These are not easy decisions, but if you are consistent and non-critical, the message will be loud and clear. "When you earn it, you've got it. How do you earn it? The terms are clearly spelled out in the contract."
Tell them, "Tomorrow is another day. I know you can do it tomorrow."
But they keep telling me I'm not fair.
Sure, but what's more fair than living up to one's word? They agreed. You agreed. What did you agree to? It's written in the contract and the contracts is posted on the refrigerator door. That's fair. Lying. Ignoring. Disrespecting. Failing to live up to agreements. That's not fair.
I know, if they simply refuse to start their homework on time I can take away their privileges until they get the idea.
I must keep coming back to this point because it's so important. The temptation will always be to revert to "take-aways" and criticism. But remember, if take-aways and criticism worked so well, you wouldn't be in this boat in the first place. Most parents have tried plenty of punishment and have found that it simply isn't effective
From now on there is nothing to take away because the child is starting at zero. The child earns his or her points. You can't take points away. You can't give points. The child earns them. "Earning" is the critical distinction. You must stop threatening to take away what the child has earned (most of us are very inconstant in following through with our threats anyway). "When you do ABC you earn XYZ. Points are cashed out daily for the rewards spelled out clearly in the contract." It's as simple as that. Build trust by rewarding. Don't keep destroying trust with threats and criticisms.
What happens when we agree that if they earn 10 homework points they get to watch television for an hour and I find them watching television before they've earned their points?
This is why it's so important to start this program when the child is young. When children are young you have so much more control and can just simply say, "Show me how you earned your points and you can return to your television."
When children are teen-agers it can be much more difficult. However, there is a good solution. Wait until the child is out of the house and lock up the television. Re-negotiate the contract and let them know that the television will return when the contract is respected. It may get tough, but it isn't going to get any easier by ignoring agreements and refusing to enforce high expectations.
When children make bad choices and incorrect decisions they optimize their chances of learning something important when they are allowed to live with their decisions.
I must take this opportunity to remind you that I don't believe brainsarefun has all the answers. Many behaviors and attitudes are way outside the scope of what I am able to advise. However, I know from the personal experience of working with many young people, that when parents are consistent, quick to find their children doing the right thing and willing to reward them immediately, that most children are reachable.
For children who have simply gone off the deep end and who have lost nearly all control, I recommend looking into Tough Love, referenced in the "Other Resources" section of the brainsarefun home page.
I think I understand how to develop a contract, but what happens if my child ignores it?
When children ignore their commitments, it's time to re-negotiate the contract. You continue to supply food, clothing, shelter, the necessities, but how much? I know of parents who have negotiated a contract that says when the points are earned they may be cashed out and the cash used to buy dinner and pay rent. Either the points are earned or the child goes hungry.
This may sound extreme, but children in extreme danger require
extreme solutions. I am reminded of the great Davy Crocket story
in which he tells that when he was a boy, his father gave him
one bullet a day. Whatever he was able to kill and gather was
what he was able to eat. This is far too an extreme solution for
most children, but children at extreme risk require extreme solutions.
By the way, Davy became very self-reliant and a great marksman.
My child is more interested in whining and making excuses than school work.
Yes. Many people have become accustomed to whining and complaining rather than work.
You can't force a person to being responsibly. What you can do is reward good behavior immediately.
Whining and making excuses are so popular because they always achieve what they set out to achieve-they allow the student to stay off task without accepting personal responsibility. How many times have you heard, "It's someone else's fault."
The minute you attempt to engage the whining complaint, you are lost. Worse than lost, the dynamic runs the risk of escalating into a full-blown battle, name calling, recrimination and guilt. Often, driven by this guilt, the parent gives in, rewards the child, and demonstrates clearly to the child that whining and complaining is always the best course of action. After all, it wins. This is a battle of behavior. The person with the best behavior is going to win. The information on brainsarefun provides both parent and children with the behaviors they need to win.
There are two fundamental behaviors that win: 1) Rewarding appropriate behavior; 2) Listening.
Walk around with a little pad of paper. Mark down every time you reward the child. As you listen to your child, take notes, record the essence of what the child is saying along with any questions that may come up. Don't try to answer these important questions on the fly. Keep listening. Write them down. Ask the child to let you know when she is through speaking. When she is through thank her. Tell her that you learned a great deal and will get back to her when you have a solution, question or comment. Remind her to earn her points by starting on time, staying on task and completing her assignments. Then throw the ball directly back into her lap by turning and leaving the room.
You can never force someone into being responsible. You can, however, demonstrate responsibility and insure that children clearly understand what responsible behavior looks like. Then, catch them behaving correctly and reward them.
We have been discussing children who aren't experiencing enough success. What about children who are experiencing a lot of success. Does this system work for them too?
Absolutely. Remember the motto, "Catch your child doing the right thing. Reward immediately." If your children are already doing the right thing, you want to insure they continue. You want the child to know that you really care. By continuing to start on time, staying on task and completing assignments, they earn points. Points are cashed out for pocket money and other rewards daily. If they are already doing the right thing, don't hesitate to reward them for it.
I'm still uneasy with this whole concept of paying children to do something they should be doing anyway. I want them to study out of a real love of learning, not because they are being paid.
I understand your question. You don't like to pay children for doing what you think they should be doing for free.
My answer is, "Very rarely do we ever do anything for free." I do my job in order to earn. I have other motivation too, but earning is one of the big ones. If I weren't earning cash, no matter how rewarding the work might be, I simply would have to do something else at which I was better rewarded.
Since I have to earn my way, I believe that children should also have to earn theirs. Since my main interest is educational success, that's where I'm going to put my spotlight. When my children show me the behaviors associated with academic success they earn points. They can cash-out those points for cash and a wide variety of other privileges. I believe that students who begin the practice of earning now will earn the best pay in life. I am very interested in preparing my children for quality survival in the real world.
Paying cash sends a very strong message in our society: "I really think this is important." It's easy to manage the reward system with cash. Cash is easily exchanged by the child for millions of goodies our society has to offer. Cash is real power. By allowing the child to earn real power you are allowing the child to take control.
Keep in mind, the child does not earn cash directly. The child earns points. The points may be traded in for whatever is agreed upon in the contract. If you believe you child isn't motivated by cash, feel free to agree on an alternative reward system. However, ask them first, "How would you like to be able to earn cash for doing your homework?" Appeal directly to their self-interest. You will find this far more effective than appealing to some abstract sense of obligation or morality.
You put an emphasis on them not earning the rewards directly, but on earning points that are then traded in. Why is this? Why not pay them directly every time they do the right thing?
Points are real easy to keep track of. So are dollar bills. When children first earn points and then trade them in for other rewards, they get a double whammy, or what I like to call a "double dip." They get to go to the trough twice. The first time, they are rewarded by the recording points; the second time, by putting cash in their pockets. The more times a child is rewarded, the clearer the message, "This is something really important. You did a good job. This is how successful people earn. This is what success feels like. Keep it up."
The more times the child is consistently rewarded, the more trust and confidence will be developed. Our most important goal is academic self-confidence. "I can do it! This is something I can do!"
I'd rather reward grades. Wouldn't it be better to offer a reward every time a good grade came home?
You have to keep reminding yourself that you are searching for new solutions. You can't keep defending your old system because, if it worked, you wouldn't be spending your time logged on to brainsarefun. You are logged on because you know a child who simply isn't experiencing enough academics . You are looking for real solutions.
Begin by defining a very small number of concrete behaviors that are easy to describe, easy to observe and easy to track. You want to stack the deck in favor of success, especially at the beginning. If your child even gets close to starting on time, staying on task or completing the assignment, reward her.
Keep in mind the fundamental principal on which brainsarefun is built, "Behavior that is rewarded immediately is behavior that will be repeated." Rewarding for grades puts the reward too far in the distance. It becomes too difficult to make a direct relation between good behavior and the reward. Reward immediately for good behavior. Don't reward days and weeks and months down the road for grades that can no longer be tied directly to specific behavior. Remember, you aren't rewarding tasks, you are rewarding behaviors.
Why isn't this system more popular?
It is popular. In fact, mothers and fathers have been using it for years. When an infant does something the mother thinks is cute, Mom smiles and laughs and rewards the child with a hug. The child quickly learns how to get approval and rewards. "Catch the child doing something right and reward immediately," is the fundamental educational philosophy of most parents. However, over time, this philosophy begins to take a subtle shift until it becomes, "Catch the child doing something wrong and correct him immediately." This would be fine if correction worked, but correction rarely works. What works is "self-correction." If you doubt this, just look at your own behavior.
Correction, criticism, nagging, lectures all encourage change. However, it is rarely change for the better.
I think you're right. I definitely need to try something new because I believe my child is at risk. Tell me, what's the best way to begin?
The very first thing to do is to find your child doing something right, then mention it. The second thing is to ask how he or she would like to earn money for doing homework. The third thing is to negotiate a simple contract. Then reward the child for living up to the contract.
It sounds so easy. What are the pitfalls?
The number one pitfall is trying to make the contract too complex. Parents have so many behaviors they want their children to change that they try to use the contract to manage the entire household. Before long, it is so complicated it's unmanageable. Children are earning points for getting up on time, for keeping their rooms neat, for doing the laundry, for cleaning the house, for doing the dishes, for baby-sitting, for mowing the lawn, for raking leaves, for eating all their dinner, for homework, for music lessons, for going to bed on time. The system sinks under its own weight.
The number two pitfall is rewarding tasks instead of behavior. "Contracts" don't allow children to earn points for doing homework or keeping their rooms clean. Points are earned by exhibiting the three fundamental behaviors associated with success: starting on time, staying on task, completing assignments. The contract should be limited to these three observable behaviors, not to tasks.
Keep it simple. Keep the spotlight exactly where most parents believe the spotlight must be kept: academic performance and academic performance only. The miracle is that as behavior improves in one area, it tends to improve across the board.
So, the keys to the system's success again?
Keep it simple. Then "consistent." Pay-out daily. Now comes the real hard part. You've got to learn to keep your mouth shut. You have got to stop criticizing and correcting. The rule of thumb is that every time you open your mouth to criticize, correct or argue you lose. Your job is to catch yourself in the act, stop talking, turn your back without making any additional eye contact and walk out of the room. Give the child the opportunity to self-correct without your big mouth yammering in the background. Leave the room. Shut your mouth. It's critical.
Without making eye contact?
Yes, break off eye-contact before you shoot the child one more negative glance. Don't allow it. Stop it. Don't engage. Every time you engage in anger and criticism you risk escalating the entire situation. The child is punished. The parent feels guilty. The parent sometimes tries to buy off guilt with a reward. No wonder the child is confused.
Consistency. Consistency. Consistency. "When you earn it, you've got it. The choice is yours." How do you know what you have to do to earn it? Simple, it's in the contract on the refrigerator door.
So I never buy my child anything, or give my child any gifts, or extra toys, or clothes, or anything that isn't earned?
Everything is negotiable. When working on your contracts really take a look at how much money your children need every day. What expenses do you want them to pick up? Older children might pay a little rent. They can begin to pay for food. They can earn their lunch money. However, they also need to be able to earn a little extra pocket money that they can spend on some of the things they need: video games, video tapes, expensive athletic shoes, sports equipment, trips to the movies, CDs, etc. Children have plenty of wants and needs. They should have the ability to earn some of them. Like I tell my children, "This is America. Look around at all they stuff you can have. When you earn it, you have it."
Certainly, I buy them Christmas presents, I take an extra trip to MacBurger, but to a huge degree they are responsible for their own extras. It works really well.
Two other tips. I don't lend money and I don't pay sales tax. When we're going out I remind my children to bring their wallets. When they have the money, they can pretty much buy what they want. I refuse to begin teaching them that when they want something they should borrow money because I might forget or have to remind them to pay me back. Not good. It's a set-up for failure. I am not a bank. I am not a debt collector.
The part that still bothers me most about your ideas is that you seem to be saying that children don't need criticism and correction. How will they know what's wrong?
What bothers me about this question is the insistence that correction, criticism and suggestions for improvement actually change behavior for the better. I contend that if they worked, there would be no problem because, Lord knows, adults have tried.
What works is instruction, not criticism. Instruction helps to correct a wide variety of mistakes. Yes, children need a lot of help and a lot of instruction. Tragically, today, with everybody working all the time, and children warehoused in "learning centers," too many aren't getting much instruction.
How do you respond to correction, criticism and suggestions for improvement? What do you learn?
Criticism doesn't instruct the child about what is correct. It tends to point out only what is incorrect. Criticism doesn't give children any clear idea of what they are supposed to do. We are very quick to tell them what we don't want them to do. We are slower to let them know specifically what we want them to do. A good example is, "Stop slamming the door." A more effective approach, "Close the door quietly." The first is an example of criticism. The second is an example of instruction.
When you don't know what to say, stop talking, turn your back, walk out of the room and stay in control. Demonstrate for your child what staying in control looks like. It's a very powerful message. If you want your children to be in control, show them what it looks like.
The goal is to change behavior. Ignore the bad behavior. Clearly define what good behavior looks like in your contracts. Reward the good behavior immediately.
When you say "reward immediately," what do you mean?
It depends on the child. When I work with students who are new to the program, I find those who are behaving appropriately and reward them with a smile and a thumbs up immediately. I ignore the rest. Children need a reward in about one second so they can make a direct link between behavior and reward.
You need a direct link. Hand the child a penny for starting on time. Another penny for staying on task, even for ten seconds. Another penny for every additional minute. Each penny represents a point earned. At the end of the session the child knows he or she can trade in the points earned for the cash described in the contract.
Long-term rewards may supplement short-term rewards. For example, two-hundred accumulated points earn an extra trip to the mall. However, never replace the short-term rewards with the long-term. Remember the fundamental principle, "Behavior that is rewarded immediately is the behavior that will be repeated."
You want your children to succeed. Make it easy for them. Clearly define the behaviors that look like success: starting on time, staying on task, completing assignments. Let them know when they've accomplished something. Reward them. Stay consistent. Stop criticizing. It's just about that simple. That simple and that complex. But I know it can be done. I've done it with my children. I've counseled with hundreds of other parents who have done it. You can do it too.
You seem to be implying that you shouldn't listen to your children. That you should, in your words, "Shut your mouth, turn your back, walk out of the room." Isn't it important to listen to your child?
Showing other people that you have so much respect for them you are willing to listen to what they have to say is the universal sign of respect. To really show someone you are listening to them, take notes furiously. Keep your eyes on your paper, not on the speaker. Nothing controls behavior like listening. Stop interrupting with helpful questions. Let the other person speak until he or she is finished.
It is not necessary for you to respond on the spot. Ask permission to speak. "Would you like to hear what I have to say in response?" Very often the other person isn't looking for a response as much as an opportunity to be heard.
The time to shut your mouth, turn your back and walk out of the room is when you know, in your heart-of hearts, that another word will only ignite a flammable situation.
I've heard you use that phrase "helpful questions" a number of times. I thought asking questions was a good thing. Remember that old saying, "There's no such thing as a dumb question?"
Yes, I've heard that old saying too. I just happen to disagree with it. There are certainly times for questions, but what we have been trained to do, children and adults alike, is to believe that we have the right to blurt out any kind of question whenever we feel like it. Often the question isn't even related to what's being discussed. No, it is very poor training to allow children to ask a question whenever they feel like it. Tell them to write the question down and hand it to you later. Questions have a terrible way of taking everyone off task.
Is this program appropriate for all children?
The slogan, "Catch the child doing something right, reward immediately," is appropriate for all children -- top, middle or bottom of the class. If your child is already performing well, catching her doing something right is essential so that she consistently continues to be rewarded for doing the right thing. This reward will encourage her to accelerate and keep up the good work. Students who accelerate up through grade 12 are those who have a crack at Advanced Placement and other advanced studies. Ask your school counselor how Advanced Placement can make a significant contribution to a child's college career.
Of course, I believe it's clear by now how important I believe this system is for all the children who aren't performing at the top of the class. There are no more excuses allowed. The only thing that's allowed is success.
O.K. I think I'm almost convinced. I think I almost have it. But tell it to me one more time.
It is so important to say it again because our memories are not particularly good at organizing this type of information. This is why it's essential that you write down what you hear. I'm going to tell you one more time this way:
1. Draw up a contract.
2. Reward immediately.
3. Act consistently.
Take the time to email me your questions and I will answer them: roryd@brainsarefun.com
All success to you and your family,
Rory Donaldson, chief brain (what makes
him so smart?)
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