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Many people - young, old and in-between - have excuses for
failing to start on time, for wandering off task and distracting
others, for failing to complete their assignments, for making
poor choices. Then, here come the excuses.
THE HAPPINESS SWINDLE
All of these excuses are really saying, "I don't want to work. I want to feel good. I don't want to take action. I want to be taken care of."
Victims of "I want to feel good" behavior choose a way of life that rarely reports "feeling good." They allow themselves to be swindled by what they see and hear and read in the popular culture: You can have it all; You can be all you want to be; You can be rich without working; Hang out enough and you'll be discovered.
Of all the misinformation we have been peddled, the idea that we are what we feel, and that we have little or no control over what we feel, is perhaps the most destructive.
We have been taught to believe:
"I'm supposed to be happy, it's guaranteed in the Constitution."
"Life is supposed to make me happy."
"Life is supposed to be fun."
"The most important thing around here are my feelings."
"Learning should be easy."
"Whatever!"
I'M BORED
The excuse, "I'm bored" has proven to be so effective, with so many children, because when they trot it out adults fall-all-over themselves to insure that the child is excited, stimulated and entertained. Children quickly learn that being "bored" pays off BIG! Mom and Dad scramble. "Being bored" pays off BIG!
As failing children continue to be swindled by an over emphasis on how they "feel," versus what they "do and think" the competition continues to perform two to three years above grade level and ends up getting the good jobs.
ANTIDOTES
Fortunately, there are solutions to excuses and boredom:
accomplish something hard;
do something for someone else.
The Golden Rule puts it this way: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The rule commands that we "do." It does not command us to make excuses, to complain, to whine, to wait until we feel like it, or to blame others. The rule commands that we DO something for the benefit of someone else; that we accomplish something.
What can parents and teachers do in the face of boredom, complaining, blaming and excuses? We can choose to stop listening, lower our eyes, shut our mouths and walk out of the room. Too often listening and eye contact validates exactly the behavior that's not wanted.
Stop listening to the endless litany. Children need the clear message that you are no longer going to reward all of their excuses with listening.
When you do listen, listen briefly, take a few quick notes to capture the essence of the complaint, but instead of being sucked in: lower your eyes, turn your back, remind the child to earn his or her points by staying on task, walk out of the room. Make every attempt to catch children doing the right thing and reward them immediately. Behavior that is rewarded is behavior that is repeated.
Put the responsibility for solution right back where it belongs -- into the lap of the child. Your notes will remind you later of the issues. You may choose to return to the child in a few minutes and say, "I have thought over the problem. I don't have the answer, but I can tell you how some other people have solved a similar problem. Would you like to hear what they did?" Ask permission. Don't waste your time and energy if the child is not prepared to listen and take notes.
Encourage your children to take notes. Discussions where no one is taking notes are quickly forgotten -- indicating their importance in the first place.
Excuses are so dangerous because they encourage children to label themselves as "Losers." These labeled children are haunted by a fear of failure and become adults who are haunted, "I don't have to succeed. I have excuses."
As I tell children, "You think you've got problems? Why, I could tell you problems that would make you weep. Now, don't forget to earn your points."
Be a parent and a teacher, not a psychiatrist.
In summary:
- Not all problems can be solved immediately, or are worthy of immediate discussion;
- Not all problems have solutions;
- Problems are often another handy excuse for choosing failure over effort.
P.S. The 100 (plus) excuses listed above were actually used on me by both children and adults while I directed a Positive Discipline program at a public elementary school.
COPYRIGHT NOTICE: 100 REASONS FOR CHOOSING POOR BEHAVIOR © April 2001 by Rory Donaldson. All rights reserved. In order to help reverse the tide of academic failure and optimize school success, parents and teachers may copy articles, tools and software for individual, non-commercial use at no charge. Contents may not be sold or repackaged in any manner without the written permission of Rory Donaldson. Since all material is copyrighted, please ensure that this entire copyright notice and contact information continues to be attached to each article you download. Mr. Donaldson appreciates the feedback. Additional academic-success articles and tools may be viewed and downloaded at no charge by logging on to brainsarefun.com. New titles are being released regularly. Suggestions and comments encouraged, email: roryd@brainsarefun.com.
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