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SUMMARY: how children and adults can improve their ability to listen and speak.
Overly Verbal Adults
Overly-verbal adults who talk all the time (often probing for feelings and feedback, often criticizing and nagging) are able to provide their children with success just as soon as they stop talking and start taking notes.
Stop talking and asking helpful questions. Allow your children real chances to express themselves. Too much talking on the part of parents and teachers forces many children to stop expressing themselves all together. Rushing to mimic adult behavior, many children stop listening to others and often stop trying. They adopt an attitude, "No one listens, so why should I even try?" These children often become labeled as sullen, withdrawn and uncommunicative. When they do decide to speak, often what comes out is a criticism or a compliant, just like their parents and teachers.
Being listened to, and knowing how to listen, are fundamental to the development of good reading, speaking and writing skills. When a child's ability to listen is well developed, chances are excellent he or she will learn to be a good reader.
Children who grow up with overly-verbal parents (the same ones who tend to be to be overly-critical as well) need an opportunity to enhance their listening and speaking skills. The Brainsarefun Reading Program provides a great opportunity for children to both listen and speak without criticism or interruption.
What alternatives can you exercise when your children are struggling for control? The simplest, most immediate, and most rewarding, stop talking, listen and take notes. Taking notes on what someone is saying sends an important message, "What you are saying is so important I want to be able to remember it."
Let children rant and rave. Don't insist on engaging them, forcing them to verbalize the way you want them to. Don't insist on solving their problems. Stop answering questions asked of them. Let them answer. Most problems don't have quick solutions right at the moment. Listen. What is your child really trying to say? Put your arm around the child and listen. Take notes. Keep all your notes in a three-ring binder. Don't change the subject. Don't walk away. Don't repeat cliches. Just sit there. Keep writing. Show the child that what he or she is saying is so important you are going to write it down. One of the greatest signs of respect one is able to show other people is to take the time to write down what they are saying.
The more you speak, the greater your chances of saying something that will escalate an already bad situation. Silence provides an opportunity to build trust.
Maintain control by listening, not solving. Children learn more when we show them they are worth listening to than they do when we speak "at them."
Mimicking Behavior
In children's desperate need for approval they mimic their parents. When parents delay their negative responses, children learn to delay their negative responses.
As parents stop talking, minimize eye contact, walk away and delay responding in anger, children are deprived of an audience. They quickly learn that they don't always need to snap back with a quick verbal or physical response. The child learns that talking does not always control the situation. The child learns to delay also. The child learns there are alternatives to interruptions, verbal abuse and yelling.
Personal responsibility for action is suddenly thrown back into the lap of the child. The child is given the opportunity to choose an appropriate response. The most universal sign of respect, apparently honored in all societies and cultures, is the sign of "listening."
Everyone keeps control. Relationships are built. All problems are not solved, but unity is enhanced.
The Talking Stick
A great tool for optimizing listening and speaking, the "the talking stick" is a wonderful tool to use during all types of conflict resolution and negotiation.
Everyone sits in a circle or around a table. The adult in charge is responsible for explaining the rules, insuring the rules are respected, and taking notes.
All parties agree to speak only when they are in possession of the "stick" (usually a pen or pencil). This is not a forum that allows the two or three most verbal participants to dominate. This will take considerable practice at first, since most of us are trained that it is our right to butt in with helpful questions or comments whenever we feel like it. The role of the leader is to insure that only the person with the stick is talking.
The stick is always passed clockwise (in order to eliminate ambiguity), and is always handed to the person on your left. It may not be taken out of rotation and passed across the group. It may not change direction. It may not skip over a person.
The person in possession of the stick, including the leader, is allowed to speak and ask questions. Everyone else demonstrates listening by taking notes. When finished speaking, the person with the stick passes it to the next person to the left. This person may answer questions, raise new questions, make additional comments. When finished the person with the stick passes it to the left. Should a person have nothing to say he or she may simply announce, "I have nothing to say," and pass the stick to the person on the left.
The leader may choose to keep a list of all questions and important points, but is not allowed to speak (except to clarify the rules) unless in possession of the stick.
The stick continues to be passed until all comments have been heard. If a person has nothing to say the stick is simply passed to the next person.
Ground rules:
It is imperative that everyone be afforded the experience of respect and be given the chance to speak.
Habituated to being able to interrupt whenever they feel like
it, group members will at first find this format uncomfortable.
Close with a final round of the talking stick. Remind participants
that any questions that were not answered may be written down
and passed to the leader for discussion at a later time. When
people choose not to write down their questions you can safely
assume that they didn't believe they were very important in the
first place.
Be sure to collect the questions and read them to yourself at
a later time. You may uncover a jewel of a question. Make sure
you get back to the person who asked it.
COPYRIGHT NOTICE: LISTENING/SPEAKING © April 2001 by Rory Donaldson. All rights reserved. In order to help reverse the tide of academic failure and optimize school success, parents and teachers may copy articles, tools and software for individual, non-commercial use at no charge. Contents may not be sold or repackaged in any manner without the written permission of Rory Donaldson. Since all material is copyrighted, please ensure that this entire copyright notice and contact information continues to be attached to each article you download. Mr. Donaldson appreciates the feedback. Additional academic-success articles and tools may be viewed and downloaded at no charge by logging on to brainsarefun.com. New titles are being released regularly. Suggestions and comments encouraged, email: roryd@brainsarefun.com.
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