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Summary: Create a home where children can win.
A NEW LIFE AT HOME
You are standing the environment on its head: creating a new life at home, providing children with an oasis of success. You've established CONTRACTS that clearly spell out the rules. You are taking every opportunity to find them winning. You are rewarding them immediately.
I'D RATHER WIN THAN LOSE
| Examples of Winning | Examples of Losing |
| "Let me help you get started." | "Did you forget your homework?" |
| "The answer is 99. What's nine times eleven?" | "What's nine times eleven?" |
| "Don't forget to earn your points by starting on time." | "If you don't start on time I'm going to take away your allowance." |
| Silence. | "Why did you do that?" |
| "Good job starting on time." | Silence. |
| "I think I understand. Let me tell you what I heard." | "You don't make any sense." |
| Taking notes. | Failing to write down what's important. |
| Listening. | "That reminds me of another subject." |
| Consistency. | Inconsistency. |
Human beings tend to continue doing what they did last. Make it a win.
It is essential to take the focus off of problems and put the spotlight on solutions. The following two statements are not the same: "If you don't start your homework immediately there will be no television;" "Don't forget to earn your points by starting on time."
The first statement is a "take-away." You remain in control, at least you try. You set up an adversarial dynamic that instantly pits one against another.
The second statement allows the child to "earn," and allows the child to exercise control.
Parents can be terrible manipulators. We often believe that if we don't orchestrate every move and point out every mistake that nothing will be accomplished. Allow me to repeat, if all the criticism, nagging, yelling, embarrassment and shame were effective, our children would be saints.
The problem is that you have tried all these tactics a thousand times, and your child still isn't experiencing enough success.
Does your child know what success looks like? Does your child
know what winning feels like? Does your child know exactly what
needs to be done to win approval? Does your child know what needs
to be accomplished to achieve?
EARNING
Replace take-aways and punishments with earning.
Stop saying, "If you don't... I'll take away ..." Delay this type of negative response.
Instead say, "Remember what we agreed upon in the contract. When you start on time you earn points."
How do children know the rules? Because they're in the contract. They're posted on the refrigerator door.
Continue to ask yourself, "What is in my child's best interest?"
Then, get out of the way. Keep the responsibility where it belongs, directly in the lap of the child. Anything less is robbery.
COPYRIGHT NOTICE: CREATING A NEW LIFE AT HOME © April 2001 by Rory Donaldson. All rights reserved. In order to help reverse the tide of academic failure and optimize success, individuals may copy brainsarefun solutions for non-commercial use at no charge. Contents may not be sold or repackaged in any manner without the written permission of Rory Donaldson. Since all material is copyrighted, please ensure that this entire copyright notice and contact information continues to be attached to each article you download. Mr. Donaldson appreciates the feedback. Additional solutions may be viewed and downloaded at no charge by logging on to brainsarefun.com. New titles are being released regularly.
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